while reading this keep in mind it's coming from the mouth of a woman that hasn't been around babies much in her life....
I brought home a tiny baby from the hospital (never thought I'd have a baby that small). Even a couple days in the hospital it really didn't sink in what we produced. I wasn't one of those moms that formed an attachment right away, but there was a point when I got back from the hospital nursery I realized I had missed her. She looked so small and fragile, the thought of caring for her was a little frightening. Luckily I remembered my sister's words - you can't hurt them unless you drop them :) Those words ran through my head every time I had to get clothes on her and contort her arms to move in ways I didn't think they should. The first couple weeks went by in a sleepless, painful blur of mostly crying fits while breastfeeding. After a couple weeks all the family left, Jeff was at work, friends weren't visiting too often and it was just me and her, and she was still just eating and sleeping. It began to hit me - what am I supposed to do with her all day?! We weren't on a schedule by any means and the thought of taking her out in public and her screaming was very intimidating. How could I be completely intimidated by something that weighed 7 pounds! So my only ventures out were to the grocery store or Target.
A couple days before she turned 4 weeks old, we gave her a bottle. Yes - we did not have any problems there. I thought this meant freedom for me to use both bottle and breast. Nope, I found out what engorgement was. I didn't see the point of having Jeff get up in the middle of the night if I was just going to have to get up to use the breast pump. Several nights when she was eating every 2 hours, he'd give her the first bottle, but then I'd be up at 2 and 4 am at least. I don't think we took her out to eat with us though till she was maybe 8 weeks old. (yeah for quick mexican restaurants). I'd say I didn't feel like I could recognize any kind of schedule with her till she was at least 7 weeks old. that meant for long boring frustrating days at home.
I think mother nature timed things out right, because about the point where she was taking longer naps during the day and night, allowing me to get sleep and not be as cranky, is when Allison also started smiling at as and making a few cute baby sounds. So I think sleep plus smiles are what really sealed the bond between us. Some delay there could have also been my emotional rollercoaster on a daily basis. I probably just made myself out to sound like a horrible mom for admitting that connection took weeks for me to feel but it makes a difference when that little person can respond back to you in a pleasant way. Now I look forward to the time I get to feed her because I have her all to myself.
I knew the first time baby process was going to be hard, but yeah, you don't really know till it happens. Allison is such a good baby, we really did luck out. I would have had a institutional-worthy breakdown if she was colicky or unhealthy. Then again I never thought I'd survive natural childbirth and I did.
I brought home a tiny baby from the hospital (never thought I'd have a baby that small). Even a couple days in the hospital it really didn't sink in what we produced. I wasn't one of those moms that formed an attachment right away, but there was a point when I got back from the hospital nursery I realized I had missed her. She looked so small and fragile, the thought of caring for her was a little frightening. Luckily I remembered my sister's words - you can't hurt them unless you drop them :) Those words ran through my head every time I had to get clothes on her and contort her arms to move in ways I didn't think they should. The first couple weeks went by in a sleepless, painful blur of mostly crying fits while breastfeeding. After a couple weeks all the family left, Jeff was at work, friends weren't visiting too often and it was just me and her, and she was still just eating and sleeping. It began to hit me - what am I supposed to do with her all day?! We weren't on a schedule by any means and the thought of taking her out in public and her screaming was very intimidating. How could I be completely intimidated by something that weighed 7 pounds! So my only ventures out were to the grocery store or Target.
A couple days before she turned 4 weeks old, we gave her a bottle. Yes - we did not have any problems there. I thought this meant freedom for me to use both bottle and breast. Nope, I found out what engorgement was. I didn't see the point of having Jeff get up in the middle of the night if I was just going to have to get up to use the breast pump. Several nights when she was eating every 2 hours, he'd give her the first bottle, but then I'd be up at 2 and 4 am at least. I don't think we took her out to eat with us though till she was maybe 8 weeks old. (yeah for quick mexican restaurants). I'd say I didn't feel like I could recognize any kind of schedule with her till she was at least 7 weeks old. that meant for long boring frustrating days at home.
I think mother nature timed things out right, because about the point where she was taking longer naps during the day and night, allowing me to get sleep and not be as cranky, is when Allison also started smiling at as and making a few cute baby sounds. So I think sleep plus smiles are what really sealed the bond between us. Some delay there could have also been my emotional rollercoaster on a daily basis. I probably just made myself out to sound like a horrible mom for admitting that connection took weeks for me to feel but it makes a difference when that little person can respond back to you in a pleasant way. Now I look forward to the time I get to feed her because I have her all to myself.
I knew the first time baby process was going to be hard, but yeah, you don't really know till it happens. Allison is such a good baby, we really did luck out. I would have had a institutional-worthy breakdown if she was colicky or unhealthy. Then again I never thought I'd survive natural childbirth and I did.
4:31 PM
It's amazing what a baby can do to a Mommy.
And you're by no means a horrible mother! Everyone adjusts differently. It's ridiculous the pressure that society puts on you as a mom to be perfect. It gets easier, but harder at the same time. It really is crazy how many hours a mom wastes worrying what other moms think about her as a mom... but I guess that's just human nature. :)
I'm sure you're exactly the mom that Allison needs, and the mom that she'll love more than anything in the world!